Questions for Stephen

Going to a Colbert Report taping and want to ask Stephen an original question? Here are some I believe have not been asked yet.

Note: These questions are purely my own invention and the contributions of other Colbertophiles. They’re not connected, approved, or in any way associated with Colbert University. (But feel free to check out Colbert U’s Audience-Questions Archive to find out what questions other Heroes have asked.)

If you have other questions to suggest, please leave them in a comment!

By Eris of the Colboards, excellent questions about I Am America:

• The book is obviously written in character; did you find it a strain being in that boxed-in mindset not only for the long hours you work on your show, but also on your days off from the show to write the book?
• Your friend Amy Sedaris just wrote a bestselling cookbook. Do you feel a little friendly competition?
• Are you afraid that like Machiavelli, you and your book may be taken seriously by people, at face value?

By dustdevil at Television Without Pity:

• Ask about guests: what guest he thought did the best job in terms of being a foil for “Stephen,” or what guest did the best job of explaining his/her point in spite of “Stephen.”
• Ask something about the crew/staff. Which cameraman is the best, which writer he likes best, what’s his favorite tie that they’ve picked out, which graphic bit (monkey on the lam, war on easter) he can’t get enough of. It’s a way to acknowledge the other folks on his staff. I’d imagine he’d take that opportunity to talk about how great they are, and in a very funny way. 

By Jennie of NoFactZone.net:

• What happened to the Bill O’Reilly portrait? Was it returned to Harvard? Did Bill take it? Did you and Bill give it to the New York Times?

By me:

Questions about guests on the show:

• Which guest have you been most surprised that they agreed to come on the show? (forgive my awful grammar)
• Have you ever read any of the books whose authors you’ve had on the show?
• Have you ever contacted Melinda Gates (of the Stephen & Melinda Gates Foundation) to come on the show?
• Why aren’t you giving WristStrong bracelets to your guests?

Questions about other aspects of the show:

• How do you and your staff pick the word that’s going to be featured in the opening sequence, like freem or eneagled or flagaphile?
• Will you ever release a DVD of outtakes, pre-taping and intermission banter with the audience, etc.?
• How did you decide/choose Rick Nielsen of Cheap Trick to write the Report’s theme song?
• Do you think the “Dancing Muchachos” might ever make an appearance on the Report? [note: might prompt a little dancing]
• Did you do the choreography for “He’s Singin’ in Korean”? [might prompt him to do a little of it!]
• I saw Mark Malkoff on [the Today Show, Fox & Friends, whatever]. Do you think he’s getting too famous to be your Audience Coordinator?
• Do you think you might revive Scorn sometime?
• What do you do with all your ties after you wear them once?
• (Everyone wonders why the Colbert Nation flag is no longer in the waiting room, but no one seems to want to ask.)

Other work:

• Can you talk about your contribution to Ben Karlin’s book Things I’ve Learned from Women Who Dumped Me?
• In 2002 you did a Daily Show piece called “C Is for Chubby,” which attacked the Cookie Monster for making kids fat, and featured two adorable little boys. Were those your children? (Clip here: www.colbertondemand.com:80/videos/The_Daily_Show/C_is_for_Chubby)

Personal:

• What can you tell us about your singing background? Some light opera in college?
• Could we hear the South Carolina accent you don’t have anymore? It’s very thick — how did you go about losing it?
• What do your kids think of having ice cream in the freezer with their dad’s face on it? [He touched on this with Terry Gross on 10/9/07, but it might be fun to ask again!]
• What do your kids want to be when they grow up?
• Dogs or cats? Pick a side!

From NoFactZone reader C:

• As Amy Sedaris has been traveling around promoting her book she’s been trashing your shrimp paste recipe. Would you care to respond?
• Sometimes I get the impression that you’re flipping the bird with your right hand. Is this merely a by-product of holding a pen, or are you deliberately or subconsciously expressing derision, bird-style? [I suppose that might better be called eagle-style.]
• Are there any items on the set’s bookshelves that are there more for you than for the character?
• French cuffs vs. button cuffs — why hasn’t your character picked a side? Obvious follow-up question: Why is your character wearing anything French, anyway? [Maybe he thinks of them as freedom cuffs.]
• Are there any foods that aren’t improved by being dipped in marshmallow fluff?
• Who do you think would win a cursing contest, Amy Sedaris or Martha Stewart?
• In your mind, to whom does that D.F.A. belong: you or your character?
• Do you have a favorite Lord of the Rings character? To which LOTR character would your character be most drawn?
• How did you get involved in the “Wig in a Box” project?
• Would you rather: 1) think with your gut, or 2) feel with your brain?
• Excluding Killer, who scares you the most?
• Are baby carrots as much of a threat to women as they are to men? If not, are there any specific foods of which heterosexual women need to beware?
• If Terry Gross were to be a guest on your show, what would you like to ask her? Alternate (inappropriate?) phrasing: If Terry Gross were to be a guest on your show, how would you nail her?
• Who would win in a Greco-Roman wrestling match, Gollum vs. Tony Snow? Hillary Clinton vs. Nancy Pelosi? Bill Kristol vs. Jon Stewart?

If you have questions to suggest, leave them in a comment …